Next Steps in Planning My Cemetery Visits

The first step in planning my cemetery visits to all my great, great-great, and 3rd great grandparents for my 2021 research goal was to inventory those burial locations which I had not been to. Out of the 56 individuals I have been to 25 of their gravesites already leaving me with 31 to find.

I placed all 31 of them into a spreadsheet recording their full name, relationship to me, date of birth, date of death, and notes about where I believe they lived at the time of their passing and where I suspect they are buried. 

The next step in planning is to pinpoint the burial locations. Some of them I am sure I have noted their burial location somewhere, in all likelihood it is mentioned on some document that I have just never really paid attention to. However, there are a few on my list that I don't even have their date of death. For some of them I have searched for years for those death dates for years. Maybe some focused attention will find the details though.

I suspect some of these are couples that are buried together which will help to speed along my visits but don't assume that. I know several sets of my ancestors are not buried together. Why is that, you may wonder. Well, some of them died very far apart in time. Widowed young, some remarried and are buried with their second families. My grandmother, for example, died in 1972. My grandfather passed in 2004. That's 32 years. Grandpa never remarried but he left New York State not long after grandma died. Grandma is buried at the local National Cemetery. Grandpa is - well a 1/5 of him, is on my shelf. Yeah, his ashes were divided among his children that were alive at the time of his death. Mom didn't want her share. She thought it was morbid. So, Gramps is on my shelf. 

I also suspect that several of these different family lines are actually buried in the same cemeteries. I'd prefer to make one trip to each cemetery if possible, rather than multiple visits into Queens or Brooklyn or Canada or wherever these folks are. Some of the different lines of my family lived in the same communities; um, that's how their kids met. And many were of the same faith. Lots of Catholics of Queens and Brooklyn are buried in Cavalry Cemetery which has - no exaggeration - about 3 million burials. So I can imagine some of my father's relatives being buried in the same cemetery as some of my mother's relatives. 

So now I am just going to work through my list and try to nail down their dates of death and then burial locations. I suspect there will be some calls required to cemeteries and emails sent to fellow family researchers.

I'll write about each visit after I make the trip. At that point I'll share the process I took to get there then. First up, I think, will be my great grandparents, James Aloysius Fay (11 February 1893 - 1 October 1964) and Mary Lily Prince-Fay (15 October 1893 - 17 July 1983). 

Finding Unknown Infants' Deaths

In my effort to confirm that I have been to the burial location of my great grandmother, Mary Elizabeth "Mayme" Sharp-Gardner, I found a hint for a death record for an 8 month old child of Mayme Gardner and Albert Gardner in Long Island City, Queens, New York on March 21, 1929. This would have been the younger sister of my grandfather, Clarence Albert "Whitey" Gardner; but I have never heard of her. 

May was born on July 4, 1928. Clarence was born on August 5, 1926. My grandpa would have only been about 23 months old when this sister was born and just over 2 1/2 years-old when she died. I am sure he had no recollection of her, even if he had been big on talking about family history. Did he even know he had a younger sister? He was a quiet man in that sense, never talked about the past. I suspect he lived a painful childhood but also, he seemed to me to be someone who lived in the present. And although others claim to have memories from their own infancy, I surely can't remember much before the birth of my sister when I was 3 1/2. Maybe he didn't know May existed.

My colleague Karen, who I recently coaxed into revisiting her family tree, shared the exact same experience with me today. She came across death records for infant children no one in her family knows about. Not surprising really; families don't generally talk about unpleasant memories and what can be worse than a child's death. I love my nieces so much I can't imagine what the death of an infant does to a family.

The 1900 and 1910 U.S. Federal Census records contain unique statistics regarding maternity. When this data was collected the census taker asked each adult woman how many times she had given birth to date and how many children were living. If you examine those two columns it is alarming how many women lost children. I have seen glaring difference; woman who gave birth to a dozen + children with only 1 living. This type of data does not exist for any other U.S. census records. 

It was through the comparison of those two censuses that I discovered a great-great grandmother had 3 deceased infants for whom I then found death records and visited their graves. That has prompted me to always search death indexes by a combination of parents names to see if other forgotten children show up in records. They often do but I certainly missed this one.

I wonder if my grandfather had more than two sisters now; his older sister Lois and this baby May. 

If I can't find Great Grandma Mayme's burial site I am going to find this infant Great Aunt May's grave, for sure. The record I have found indicates she is buried in Cedar Grove Cemetery. A quick call to them gave me her plot location; Block Forrest, Reference 9, Line 1, Grave 81B - whatever that means. I asked the very helpful woman on the phone, Natalie, if she could tell if the infant was buried with family or had a headstone - maybe Mayme is with her but I doubt it. It is also very unlikely she has a headstone, my family members rarely do. Natalie tried to answer my questions but couldn't tell from her database so, a trip to Cedar Grove Cemetery is now on my list.

Inventorying My Gravesites Visits, Part 2

Today I looked at the list of all my great-great-great grandparents (3rd greats or 3x). Some of them are likely to be buried in Quebec. I am not sure with this present worldwide health crisis that Canada will let me in to wander around graveyards this year but perhaps. One of my 32 great-great-great grandparents is most definitely buried in Ireland. It may be sometime before I get to travel back there. I am not a big worldwide traveler in general. I've driven through 49 of the states and 8 of the 9 provinces of Canada international travel is expensive and again, with COVID I doubt that will happen this year. 

However, although I may not be able to achieve my goal of visiting all of my direct ancestors' gravesites (great, great-great, and 3rd great grandparents) this year, I'm going to aim to get as many visits in as I can. I have some work ahead of me.

The stars indicate individuals whose graves I have already visited in my research.

Inventorying My Gravesites Visits, Part 1

The first research goal I set for this year is "to visit the gravesites of all my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and 3rd great grandparents; at least those I have never been to before." So today I did an inventory of the graves I have visited of my great grandparents and great-greats, just to see where I stand with those two dozen souls.

I know for sure I have been to 15 of the 24 - and actually I think I have been to a few others among them but I'm not 100% sure so let's say I have 9 to go. As for the great grandparents, there are 3 I need to visit or re-visit as the case may be:

• I think my great grandparents, James Fay and Mary Prince-Fay, are buried in Pinelawn National Cemetery which I frequent as my grandmother, their daughter, is interred there. However, I can't for the life of me recall seeing their headstone so I am keeping them on my list.
• My great grandma, Mary Elizabeth "Mayme" Sharp-Gardner might be interred in a family plot I have been to but truth be told, I'm not sure. So I need to follow up on her.

Those 3 should be easy though as they are all certainly buried on Long Island where I live.

As for the great-greats, there are 6 I don't think I have visited. All but one should be in NY. The one I believe is buried in Quebec I have never been able to find a date of death for. I have been to her husband's gravesite in a small family cemetery in rural Quebec. I have assumed she is buried there without a marker but Lydia Maria McLean-Sharp is going to be an obstacle I just know it.

Then there is my great-great grandpa Abraham Earle that I am going to count as having seen his gravesite. He perished at sea on a ship called the Rise and Go which sailed out of Twillingate, Newfoundland bound for St. John's Newfoundland in the fall of 1890 but it never arrived. I have been to his cenotaph; which literally translates to empty tomb. So I'm going to say I did that one.

As for my 32 3rd great grandparents, I am going to have to take a much longer look at those.

My plan is to visit 3 per month, weather permitting; one every Saturday that I do not work. As soon as I make my first visit I will post about the experience. 

Setting 2021 Genealogy Research Goals

 I don't make resolutions just because it is a new year. I'm not sure I'm really a goal setter but from time to time I come up with something I want to accomplish and then I doggedly pursue it. For example, I visited all 50 states by the time I was 35 and I really only started my road travels at 18...maybe 21. I'm not sure if you count visiting colleges as road tripping. But I digress...

I think this year I am going to set a research goal. In the past I have resolved to find all 32 of my 3rd great grandparents, to write brief biographies on each of my direct ancestors (parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and great-great grandparents - all 30), and to travel to ancestral homelands of my most recent immigrant ancestors (Canada is not that far). 

This year I hope to 1. - get to visit the grave sites of all my great grandparents, great great grandparents, and 3rd great grandparents; at least those I have never been to before.

And 2 - to write brief bios for my 3rd great grandparents and perhaps enhance some on my previous bios.

That should keep me busy.

NPE: Get your head around it & use the Leeds Method

My last 6 month during this worldwide health crisis and year of turbulent politics in the U.S. has been spent absorbing, reflecting, and distracting myself to find what really matters most to me. Working from home has been exhausting and, at the same time, just fine. It's made me mushy though - mentally and physically and thus I struggle to stay sharp. 

One of the skills I have worked to sharpen this year has been in interpreting DNA results. Not only can I evidence this work by pointing to the 100+ DNA cousins I have linked to my Ancestry tree, I have also helped several people in their search to find their DNA relatives. In one instance in particular I assisted a woman in locating her biological father. If she reaches out to him is yet to be decided but with 99% confidence, we know who he is because I could find DNA matches between my client and 3 of his 4 grandparents.

Like most family stories, hers is one that is complex and emotional. She, like so many now, experienced what is often referred to as an NPE; Non-Parentage or Non-Paternity Experience. In short this is when someone takes a DNA test and discovers their parent or parents are not their biological parent(s). In my client's case she always suspected her father was not her biological father but a DNA composition of 50% of an unexpected ethnicity confirmed it. 

Those pie charts and ethnicity estimates are not really very meaningful to me. I don't feel ethnically anything. I don't hyphenate myself. I'm not Irish-American, German-American. You never hear Canadian-American really. I think of myself as a long-term American, from a really well stirred melting pot, if you will. I don't care very much if I am 23% French or 37%. I'm not swapping my kilt for lederhosen because frankly, I wear jeans. But when you see an ethnicity which you don't expect in such a large percentage in your ethnicity estimate, it's a tell-tale sign that something is amiss. "How can I be 50% Italian when I don't have a single Italian surname in my family tree?" Um, well you can be if you really don't know half of your genetic tree.

Sorting out your matches is how you determine your biological parent(s). And, I have found, that you need close matches. By that I mean people with more than 100 centimorgans of DNA in common with you, and several of them. They also need to have a comprehensive family tree that you can view and/or you need to communicate with them.

Typically people think they can click a button and get their answer. It doesn't work like that. It is a long, slow, arduous process but the desired results are totally possible. 

The first step in any of it, though is that if you or someone you know experiences an NPE is to first relax. Get your head around it before you start your search. The older you get the easier it is, I think, to see your parents as people; people who did some things, made some choices, didn't know what they were doing, etc. Once you have a grasp on that - which can take a really long time....

Then, sort those matches. The Leeds method has been the most useful took I have employed. Use it!: https://www.danaleeds.com/dna-color-clustering-the-leeds-method-for-easily-visualizing-matches/

100+ AncestryDNA Matches in My Tree

So I did it! Two weeks ago I set a goal for myself; to get 100 of my AncestryDNA matches linked into my family tree. I did it! 

I have a lot of DNA matches. At present I have 693 people who matches me as 4th cousins or closer and that number is ever increasing as more and more people invest in these genetic testing kits. Of course those 693 people are matches to people who have taken a DNA test through Ancestry - no other company and, no, the system is not just guessing based on some fancy algorithm if I could be related to those people. I am related to those people. Our DNA matches.  I have an ancestor in common with each and every one of them. Which ancestor? Well, that's the puzzle. 

In some instances I knew right away who the common ancestor was given the fact that my father, my sister, several of my first cousins, many of my known first cousins once removed, and their kids (my second cousins) have all taken DNA test through AncestryDNA. 

A good 50% of the 100 matches I could reach out to right now via phone, text. email, or FaceBook Messenger. No problem! 

I recognize that for other connecting 50 DNA matches to their family tree could be a big challenge but I come from a very big family. Some branches are incredibly close. Most of my very best friends are my own second cousins. Many people do not even know their second cousins or even really know what that term means. (Your second cousins are those people with whom you share great grandparents. In other words your parent's first cousins' kids.)

Another factor that contributed to being able to link so many matches into my family tree is the fact that I have been at this family history research thing for over 30 years now. I've gone to several family reunions in my time and have been able to collect names and birth dates of many, many living family members. Looking over some old paper written list of reunions put about another 20% of my found matches into my tree. These were living people who took DNA tests and that I knew of. That is to say I probably met one of their parents at a family reunion. Their names were not in my family tree on Ancestry until I gave myself this challenge of linking living AncestryDNA matches into my tree. I might have had their parent or grandparent in my tree but not them. They are in there now.

For the other 30% of my now linked matches, they were the real puzzles. The success of linking them to my tree took a combination of reaching out to them or those that manage their DNA kits through my Ancestry membership's email feature. Typically you don't hear back through Ancestry's email. People typically use Ancestry for a brief time and then check-out. Maybe they used the free 2 week trial of Ancestry or they just took a DNA test to see their ethnicity profile. they are not active users. But I got lucky with a few contacts. I had a wonderful exchange with my paternal grandmother's second cousin. I was able to fit her and her sons into my tree. She shared with me recollections of my grandmother and her siblings. Uncle Bobby Henry was a talented musician and my grandma and grandpa Earle attended this cousin's wedding.

In other cases I could put those other 30% in my tree by looking at their trees. This requires that both of us had to have pretty fleshy trees. To match a 4th cousin you have a 3rd great grandparent in common. Now fortunately I have been able to connect my research to all 32 of my 3rd great grandparents. They were all born between 1782 and 1855. 

Having researched all of my 3rd great grandparents I was able to recognize common surnames right away. For example, when I saw the surname Goodyear in one person's username I knew right away that cousin was probably connected to my 3rd great grandmother; Sophia Goodyear-Earle (1808-1877). 

Opening that cousin's public tree concealed his living father's name but showed his Goodyear line back to Sophia's brother. I had never research Sophia's brother. I didn't have any of her siblings listed in my tree - - but now I do. I combed through enough records to confirm this Goodyear cousin and I have my 4th great grandparents in common; James Goodyear (1787 - unknown) & Susanna French-Goodyear (1797 - 1829) of Twillingate, Newfoundland by way of Harbour Grace, Newfoundland.

Did I learn anything new?

Well, no. Not really. I added over 1,000 names to my tree working on this project during the last 2 weeks but I didn't really learn anything new or alarming in some way. 

I met a few nice relatives.

There are a few people that I have pretty significant matches with that I can't fit in my tree. In many cases that is because they don't have a family tree on Ancestry. Again, maybe they just checked-in for their ethnicity profile but in some cases I do suspect an adoptions or misattributed fathers are in their trees.

So what did I get out of this other than a much bigger tree and a few nice conversations?

Well, I feel very well prepared now to help others sort out their DNA matches; others who might be adoptees or those who have discover that they do not genetically match their father. If you need help sorting your DNA matches don't hesitate to reach out to me.